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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the_noj's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, August 3rd, 2008
2:32 am
**Important**
***Check This Out:***

I am changing accounts on live journal. This one has too much to handle. Pictures & memories of Ashley, Lauren, ignorant shit from years ago, etc. That's not even me anymore - I don't even want access to it.

So my new username is Bismillah1


If your name is Lauren M, Liv, Liz, Kati, Kat, Lauren B, or Sam - I already got you added but please add me. If that's not you but you still have me added - add the new one & I'll notice.

I'm changing passwords to something I won't remember after writing this, so don't even bother commenting. Just add it up. Like mathematics. Son-nugget.



And Until Next Time . . .
Dooo It
Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008
6:00 pm
I'm A Mess

I told my parents last night. I was so worried beforehand - I shook & cried for days. After some deep breaths and introduction-talking - I told them there'd be an addition to our family. They had all the normal feelings: shocked, dissapointed, offended, worried. All very controlled though. They both teared up, and we talked for a good hour about all that was planned so far, and what was to come.

The negative realities are setting in. It's not all about onezies, baby names, and working a lot. Fuck my parents dreams - my dreams will have to take a backseat for this child. I gotta find a job and start working 20/30-hour weeks now. It'll only increase this Summer, which is also around the time Ashley will probably have to move in.

My parents are disappointed I didn't just use a condom. Ashley said she wouldn't do it if I did wear a condom. I almost feel unlucky that it happened my first time ever - yet she managed to fuck her ex every night for a year & a half with literally no consequence. Not even an STD. But me? I get a child and marriage at the age of 17. I'm not dissing her, I love her. But this is a lot. A lot.

I missed two exams today at school. Shit is downward spiraling - I honestly feel like a failure. But I have to smile for everyone. Ashley so the baby doesn't die, my parents because they're almost in equal pain, and there's no one else within 50 miles to mention. My little sister doesn't count.

Ashley & I keep fighting, and my anger is getting worse and worse. Things got so terrible to the point last night that I actually said, "ANDREW WAS RIGHT, YOU ARE A BITCH, GO DIE!" I'm so sorry. She'll never accept my apology. And I'm gunna marry her? I'm not saying I don't want to, but fuck.

I can't take this shit. I am officially a mess.

Current Mood: depressed
Monday, January 21st, 2008
1:41 am

You know what I don't understand? Men that manage to get involved with pregnancies and then act like its nothing. Speaking just on the two and a half days I've known this to be an official thing - I can't get my mind off it for more then ten minutes.

It's in my writing, it's in my thinking, it's everything. I can't look my parents in the eye without considering telling them, or considering how they might react. How Ashley's mom might react. The next month. The next nine months. The aftermath. The next 18 years. The possibility of more children - making this more then a focused 18-year thing.

I honestly want to tell my parents so bad. Ashley & I almost told my mom together last night. But the overlying fear is this could turn out to be a mis-carriage. As if that wouldn't be heart-crushing enough: imagine the level of trust we'd have after that. That's not something you could postpone telling anyone either. It's painful to even imagine something like that. God: please no. Its to the point where I hold back tears considering that.

Obviously I'm emotionally shaken, but also ridiculously excited. I've become the corniest person. I actually watched that 'Baby Story' show. Reading articles, getting educated. Looking up names. I want books on this shit. If its a boy - we're naming him Damien. If its a girl - I wanna name her Zion, but thats apparently a 'no.' That'd be so pretty. Its the Rasta word for 'heaven.'

You know what'd be hilarious? If it grew up to be all Afro-centric but its name was Steve. Or all nerdy & parsnip-eating but its name was Sha-nay-nay. Why am I telling jokes on livejournal?




I need more sleep, possibly a counselor to talk all these new concepts out with, and the courage to tell my parents. I would have never expected this in a million years, but I wouldn't rewind the clock for a million dollars.

And Until Next Time . . .
I pray Lil' Ancient makes it
Saturday, January 19th, 2008
4:19 am
It All Comes Together . . .

Life Changes:

Ashley went into the doctors today (Friday) where they administered the most exact test you could give for pregnancy - where they actually insert a camera, and the doctor can see on a screen whether there's anything there. Basically like an ultrasound, but slightly different. With papers to prove it- the results are...positive. I'm gunna be a father, she's gunna be a mother.

We're gunna do this together, regardless of what anyone can possibly tell me. Yes, she's done some fucked up things. But if she was reporting every little less-then-good thing I did on a livejournal on a daily basis - I'm not sure I'd look so great either. I've said some retarded shit. We've all done wrong things. I have to focus on the bright side of the spectrum, for real. This girl - now young woman - has literally changed her life for me. The things she does, the people she talks to, the way she presents herself. Yes, it's hard to forget who she was what seems like yesterday. But it shouldn't be so hard to see her for who she is today. She's come so far, and I'm honestly so proud. We've talked endlessly these last couple days about everything. I left twice, only to come back. This time things will be (and already are) different. She's done with lying just to please me or the moment itsself. She's sorry she ever did, to the point of crying over dinner tonight. That's a big thing. Part of the root of all these problems was her trying to front like she was somebody else. A less sensitive or smart version of herself. I see that fading rapidly, and I love it.



I'm not naiive to assume all is perfect - just correct to know its at least slowly climbing upward. Statistically 91% of guys flake out in pregnancy at this age. I will not join the bandwagon. I'm a good dude. I'm never cried this much, or given so much of a fuck about what parents might think, but this will pass. And if her mom continues to be the racist bitch she is, Ashley will live here. There's obstacles to cross before getting there, but that also be said about making a good-tasting breakfast. Cereal is cheating, feel me?

Music:

On a lighter note, I am so excited about these tracks I've been working on for my debut album. Honestly, I feel like I'm making hits. Almost every track is something I could hear on radio, and that's exactly how I want it to be. For real - y'all need to watch the fuck out when this drops. People underestimate those close to them, because they want their music artists to be far-out "I-can-feel-you-but-not-touch-you"/"larger-then-life" figures, but we all eat food, sleep, and go to the bathroom too. Even the 'stars'. Regardless, this album is gunna be crazy.

Today/The Wu-Tang Clan Concert:

Today itsself was great. Ashley's mother sent me possibly the most racist message I've ever read in my entire life, but I eventually cooled down & we had a great day.

Dinner before the show had frustratingly slow service, but was deliscious. The whole idea (this was the Richmond branch of Toads Place, btw) - was there's a restaurant connected to it, which...if you eat at it before the show...you get in 15 minutes early & beat the mile-long line. Between waiting for a table, and eventually being served - we got in like 40 minutes after the general doors opened. But it was all worth it. We still snaked around towards the front.



The actual club is nothing like the alcohol/piss-drenched New Haven Toad's Place. This shit was movie-esque. All clean, and huge. An indoor balcony. Huge stage. Visual monitors. 1,500 people dancing. Ashley got some post-morning morning sickness (nausea,) but we got through it. The DJ was live, the crowd was live, the opening act was literally 15 G'ed out Asian dudes (definently a sight) and the announcer for the night was entertaining.

Wu-Tang Clan hit stage around 11. I was texting my dad, letting him know they were coming on, and please be outside in about 90 mins. By the time I looked up, an eager Ghostface Killah was standing on the edge of the stage, grinning up to his eyes. Wearing that same white hoodie we'd seen him in last time - now with an added red leather jacket & matching hat. U-God, Masta Killa, Raekwon, the GZA, Inspectah Deck, and Cappadonna followed behind him gradually. Bring the Ruckus came on. The crowd jumped in unison.


GhostFACE, Catch the blast of a hype verse
My glock bursts, leave in a hearse, I DID worse
I come ROUGH -  tough like an elephant TUSK
Your head RUSH - fly like Egyptian MUSK!


And the energy was lit for the night. The sound quality honestly was awful the first half or so - to the point of barely recognizing half the songs they were running through. Still though, they killed every trackthey did. No Method Man which was dissapointing, no RZA which was expected for this tour, and obviously no ODB since his death.

Those there still rocked it, but it honestly seemed a little empty/less recognizable on some songs. Meth was out for on some kind of 'family emergency' though, and had his hype-man Street Life cover most of his verses. Killah Priest also made an appearence for literally one verse. Making me wonder why they pay all the money to bring him on tour, if he doesn't actually perform more then two minutes. Hmm . . .



Great show overall though. I wanna see them again with the full line-up, lol.



School:

School honestly has become a concern. Today was supposed to be a snow day, yet it wound up being completely clear...I just didn't go regardless. I've probably missed like 10 days just this semester, none of them with a truly legit excuse. I was sad, tired, apathetic, or some combination. I know that's not responsible, but no longer is college really in my future, and Massaponax is a terrible school. The teachers could care less how you do. Honestly, I'm starting to let go of how much I care too.

In Old Saybrook I was getting consistently decent grades. Not fantastic, but mostly B's with some A's and the occasional C or two. Now its terrible. Between my abscences and just being overwhelmed by unneccessary amounts of homework - there's two or three classes I'll straight-up fail if I don't get in some makeup work by this upcoming week. I can't motivate myself to just sit down and do it either. Once I get home - school work is not what's up. Not that a whole lot else is, but that's just become such a negative part of my life. Getting up & going to a place where I'm virtually unknown, silent, and not all that successful. It's self-defeating. I will graduate though, I will not fail anything this year, except Math. They put me at a level of it I don't understand, and the one I need isn't available until next year. Next year it is.



Honestly, its such a headache though. I'm almost disgusted thinking about it right now. The tests I don't understand, the people I don't have the courage to talk to. I'm shy. I need a fast-forward button on this time shit.

Growing Up:

I realize with all this going on though, I've got to grow up some more. I don't consider myself an immature person - but father-material? I'm still being fathered.

Like I said, I want to start pointing out Ashley's positive attributes instead of the negative. I want to hold down a job that gives more hours, and hopefully hourly wage, then KB Toys did, (they're now shutting down.) I wanna grind as hard as I can with this music shit, and see if its seriously the financially-supportive career I've always dreamed & considered it to potentially be. I wanna cool my anger, and stop verbally lashing out everytime Ashley or my parents do something I consider stupid. I used to be such a calmer person. Honestly, I think its built-up stress.

- Better job
- Go official with my music
- Look for only the good in Ashley
- Chill out

That's definently a good start. On a longer-term plan, I also wanna clean up my vocabulary before the baby comes. Its gotten to a point where 'fuck' or 'bitch' is said all too much. Not trying to pass those traits on.

- - -

And Until Next Time . . .
I Gotta Get Some Sleep

Current Mood: tired
Wednesday, January 16th, 2008
12:28 am
The Saga Continues . . . Again

No wait is longer and more nerve-wracking then the anticipation of a doctor's pregnancy test. Three business days. Seventy two hours of mentally wondering. Is my life really about to change forever, or did the bitch lie again? Is she even a bitch, or my soon-day wife? 17 & married? Even if we wait until we're 18 in a few months....god-damn.

Last night I had slept the afternoon away, so was up all the wee hours of the morning...this one seems to be a repeat. Its illogical, but honestly - all I want to do is sleep away the time until this result comes. I can't function. Today in Science it got to a boiling point. Ashley left to go to court, (custody battle between her mom/dad,) so I had no one to talk to in that class. Between the air and just being mentally shaken from the last week - I started (not noticably) shaking. Flashbacks of her trying to kill herself, and running away. Visions of the baby born. Visions of the doctor saying its negative and all this being a big, hurtful lie.



I went to my guidance counselor for the first 45 minutes of third block. All shrinks have their head at least partially up their ass (or just in far-out similes/metaphors that only go so far,) but it dramatically helped just to verbalize all thats been going on. I could write for days, but I go so many hours a day not actually talking. Most of it, it seems like. No wonder I'm a rapper - I got a lot to say, lol.

He basically said I was building a mental wall for myself if all I did was dwell on the future though. Reminded me of my own words, that she's basically a compulsive liar, and I have options even if this is positive. I could try to make it work, but if it doesn't - I would most likely win custody if I fought for it.



That's whats scary about this. I used to have such a clean slate. I was essentially a virgin. Discussing my sexual history with new girlfriends took about two seconds, cause there wasn't one. Nothing for them to be disgusted at, or wonder if they'll ever compare. Now...I'll always have to talk about Ashley. That she has a lengthy sexual history she lied about, and thank God she hasn't transmitted or carried anything. That she literally refused protection, and got pregnant not once - but potentially twice. I might be a single father. What the fuck kind of guy am I gunna be tryna find a girlfriend senior year of high school with a kid I have to raise all alone? He/she won't even look like me. I'll love him/her if it exists, but...good Lord.

She called the doctor earlier though...(I'm writing this at 1 in the morning)...the results will be in this afternoon. About 14 hours, my fate is defined. How the fuck am I supposed to be worrying about grades closing with all this? And my parents have no clue why I'm like this.



If It's Positive - I'm gunna take a sincere attempt at making things continue to work, and make the happiest enviorment the child could possibly come into. If the bickering continues - that enviorment might not include her. Please don't get to that level.

If It's Negative - I'll probably at least try to comfort her, but know in the back of my mind that could mean this was all a lie. We're gunna be on a thin rope. And if it slips again. If she lies again. If she hurts me or herself again. It's done. I won't have anyone in this entire state to even call a close aquantince but...that's it.



Time needs a fast-forward button. Today otherwise was pretty normal. She tried to be nice, actually bought a onezie for him, (not even knowing if he/she exists,) offended me with a racist comment. Saying the reason I'm never unemployed for more then a couple months is because I'm white. It's what-fucking-ever. I don't want to go to school, I don't even want to consciously breathe air until this test comes in. I will though - I'll be fine. If she was lying...fuck her. I pray that's not the case.

And Until Next Time . . .
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh

Current Mood: worried
12:28 am
Pain, Late Nights, & Black Supremecists

First of all - thank you for all the support & comments lately. It's obviously not something I'm getting down here locally, so I appreciate anyone that tries to reach out. Even if they claim I sound like a dumbass, "anonomous" . . . (jk)

That all said, today has been so overwhelming.

This morning (the bus/Spanish) I couldn't stop bouncing between thinking about the baby, and putting my head down/sleeping to escape it, when there was nothing to do. So much anxiety, so little sleep. And it's not even born yet. Hell, it's not even confirmed yet . . .



In Math, I talked to Khadijah & Jalissa and told them basically everything thats happened over the last few days, when they asked why I was out so many days. They were shocked. It felt good to get it all verbally out - I'm just hoping it won't be spread around. The fact that no one in that school knows me should help.



Drivers Ed I slept, at lunch I saw Ashley. We discussed what was on our mind. Until its here & named - we call the baby "Lil' Ancient" (after my rap name, Ancient Mind.) I'm so worried on if it'll survived. So curious as to what it'll look like, what gender he/she will be, if its even real - or just another one of her lies. That would be so terrible. I even wrote a poem for it yesterday, and read it to Ashley . . .

- - -

Little Ancient:

You came at a time mildly unexpected
But please grow knowing you won't be neglected
Protected, is how I wanna keep your soul
From now onto the day that these bones grow old
Your mothers trying to be good, please love her for that
Your daddys slowly cleaning up the way that he acts
He's a good man, just sometimes over-stressed
But hearing you exist, now I feel over-blessed
Everythings gunna be good little man, 9 months to go
Then you get to see the World, your first word will be 'whoa'
Snap a onezie, you'll be cozy everything'll be fine
As a son or a daughter, know you're blessed to be mine
This is exactly how I feel - nevermind the fake shit
Nevermind my language, I love you Little Ancient

- - -

I'm not gunna feel right until the test results come back Friday.



When I got home from school, this girl Sabrina IMed me. She had done the same the other day - just saying she's seen me in school, thinks I'm hot, and wants to "hang out" - even knowing about Ashley. I honestly thought it was Ashley playing a prank on me. Turns out she's real, and she now has my number. Disturbing, much? She's probably obese and/or psychotic.



Later, at 5:30, Ashley was supposed to go to the doctor to get tested and discuss things like pre-natal vitamins incase she is pregnant. She called around five and said to sign onto her myspace & look at her messages. It was her racist-ass mother at it again. Saying she looked stupid in her picture with me, that she didn't need me, and we're not engaged. I was infuriated. I didn't even want to talk to Ashley. I added her mom just so I could send this message . . .

- - -

Dear Delphene,

Hello. Ashley shared with me the messages you sent her today regarding myself & our relationship, and I just wanted to tell you that's all extremely wrong of you to say.

In the time I've been with your daughter - I've done nothing but go out of my way to show her respect, honor, verbal affection, care, & honesty. I've single-handedly boosted her self-esteem significantly and talked her out of committing suicide not once but twice in three months.

I think it's funny you would say we "haven't gone through anything." Actually, I'm the one that encouraged her to live a better lifestyle. To get out of the party/drug life your house seems to do nothing but encourage. To present herself as a more classy & respectful woman, and remind her that she can be anything she wants in this World. That she can be great.

...Infact, your racism isn't even sensible to me. You don't want me to be anything to your daughter when all I've done is good. Yet you allowed Andrew to live in your house - when all he did was violate Ashley, introduce her to drugs, and ultimately kill Kerry (RIP) with irresponsible driving. How am I the bad guy here?

And on the matter of engagement - yes, we mutually do have plans for the future. We've both made eachother better, more righteous people. And want to carry that onto the future. You may think she's 17 and too young for all this. But she's done the drugs, the sex, and the drinking. You know what my intentions are? To respect her.

...I ask you to please look beyond my skin color & gender for a minute and see me for what I've done. With the best intentions, I love your daughter. And she loves me too. Not because her father wasn't there, not for anything but the fact that we respect & honor eachother for what's on the inside.

Bless Your Heart,

- Jon"

- - -

There was more, but that sums it up. She's such an intolerant bitch. I hate racism.



Now its 2 AM and I can't sleep. I slept all evening to escape what was going on, and probably missed a lot. Ashley messaged me while I was sleeping, saying, "Jonathan, i need you to call me as soon as you get this message. Do you want your son to die.. im tired, i cant be under the stress of you ignoring me.. this is the time to put your stubborness aside and talk to me. If you dont wanna talk then i guess i'll see you later."

Its so stressful. Everything's about the child now. Every argument has to be quelled, every meal has to be healthier, conversations have to be more frequent & pleasent, me ignoring her like I did today has to stop. I like to at least believe I'm a good person. I try. But I'm not perfect. I pray if its there, that it doesn't die from stress. Lord, please no. But its still possible it isn't there. Everyone I've talked to thinks shes lying to keep me. I sincerely don't think she'd stoop that low, but that thought is so scary.



Honestly, I need to relax my mind. Fuck drugs, fuck cheating, fuck leaving. I've always refused all that, and definently am not taking up the third with my baby possibly in her womb. Is it there? Is it not there? This is the third time I've gone through this with her. First when she was raped by Brian, then the mis-carriage, now this. It could be nothing. It could be an exaggeration, or lie. I don't know. I don't think I'm gunna be able to sleep tonight.

And Until Next Time . . .
I Need Help

Update: About an hour after writing this, Ashley called with some "bad news." Her mom read the sent message off her myspace about the 'do you want your son to die.' She's going to call my mom tomorrow. I am not ready for my parents to find out. Or hers.

On top of this, she admitted to more lies about her sexual history. Certain guys she claimed to have slept with but it "didn't work." She gets so into detail - I get so nautious.

She said if she can turn back time, she'd have delayed this. I wonder if I can turn back time, if I'd have stayed a virgin. Honestly right now - I hate my life.


Current Mood: uncomfortable
Monday, January 14th, 2008
7:15 pm
People Are Fucked Up

I know I'm always making entries about drama between Ashley & I . . . it must get redundant to read. But its whats in my head.

This is something thats built-up overtime, but especially over the last day its hit me: her planning is so terrible. I'm not trying to make to make this diss-fest '08, but for real.

She told me when she got back with me that I'd finally get my ring she already paid for weeks ago. . . . Now she's saying the ring was paid for entirely by money she stole from her mom, and I won't be getting it anytime soon.



She told me when she got back with that she'd actually get that tattoo she kept talking about getting (it being her idea entirely.) . . . Now she's putting it off, with no plans to go & get it.



She told me she'd go & get another pregnancy test, since she's continually been having stomach aches / nausia lately.  . . . She waits until an hour before the doctors appointment to tell me her mom was gunna be with her, so she wouldn't be able to take it. No plans to get it anytime soon.



She told me she'd get a job . . . she doesn't show up to the interviews.



She told me she was going to be a lawyer . . . then a model, then a lawyer, then a model - now she just doesn't know.



After the mis-carriage, she told me everyday she actually wanted a child this year. . . . Now she's delaying it.



Granted I'm not perfect either, but how does she expect me to invest my future in her when her future is a big question mark? I originally dated her on a bed of, what turned out to be, lies. The cycle is repeating, and I'm honestly afraid to be hurt. Yeah - that's right. A guy straighter then a (non-bendable) ruler afraid to be hurt.

I'm not trying to make tonight a drama fest or feel the pain of another break-up, but I need security. Whenever I start telling her this, she hangs up on me & considers it "yelling."

A part of me wants to accept the times and just take each day as it comes, but that's a big step down from the person that talks about moving out with you in 9 months and starting a life together. This relationship isn't and was never meant to be just about "having fun in high school." We've been through too much.

I don't know what to do.

Update: We just got off the phone - I said I love her, but I can't take this pain anymore. That everytime she said things would get better; another curtain unveiled another lie. I'm not sure if I just created more pain for myself . . .

Two minutes later she called: she's pregnant. Kill me now.


Current Mood: shocked
Sunday, January 13th, 2008
6:54 pm
I Look So Gay

So - Ashley's dream is officially being a model. I feel so confused on how I should interpret that.

You have to understand - this girl has been raped & abused so many times, that she's in a desperate struggle to be physically accepted. She's beautiful, and its unfortunate she can't just see & know that, but look at her past. Dressing in skimpy outfits, being fucked by 10 different guys over a stretch of like 3 years. It's a cry to be wanted, and even though I've helped her realize that doesn't actually help - I honestly think the whole modeling aspiration is just that a step further. Instead of titties hanging out at school, they hang out on billboards in the middle of New York City.

And call me traditional - but that's why I've got such a problem with it. How are you gunna be a responsible mother & faithful wife, when your daily bread revolves around showcasing your body? Fuck elegance & class for a second - most men aren't looking at the clothing brand. They're looking at the parts the clothes acentuate. And that's wrong. I don't want to have a child with her so he can be looking through old scrapbooks one day and find his mommy half-naked on the cover of Vibe. Don't you think thats wrong?

Granted many women do it - but these women are generally cocaine-addicted, cheating, tabloid-junkies, etc. Tell me the last model you met that had a perfectly normal, established life and was honestly worth looking up to when the lights flashed off. Her other dream is being a lawyer...that would at least accomplish something sensibly.

What do you think?



Current Mood: okay
Saturday, January 12th, 2008
3:33 pm
The Next Day

Even though I was determined to not get back with her, I talked to Ashley last night on the phone for hours. I was the only thing stopping her from going off to her dads and getting raped, running away, and potentially trying to kill herself all over again.

What I heard was the saddest shit of all time. She personally apologized to my mom, and said to tell my whole family 'thank you' for making her feel like a part of the family when she was here, and that was the only sense of comfort she ever got in that way - since her own is so fucked up.

She told me the reason why she's been so cold these three months. That she was afraid to love & be loved, cause whenever thats happened before - she wound up being used, abused, and ultimately discarded. She didn't want that again - but now she and even her racist mother understand I did nothing but good. She demanded another chance, so she can show me who she truly is - no front.

I wanted to, but I'd have felt powerless over my own self if I gave in that quickly. I told her I'm open to it in the future though - whether that be months, weeks, or days. She's still coming to see Wu-Tang next Friday, so that night could make or break us.

With everything sweet and looking up - I was supposed to go to school today to see her. I woke up, considered yesterday, and just couldn't. She called me about an hour ago.

Two guys noticed she didn't have the ring anymore and asked why - another asked her to the movies. What kind of shit is that. She gave them summarized versions of the story, and said 'no' to the movies guy, and reminded me she can't control other people - but it hurt to even know. Her being single is like candy to a flock of birds. My biggest fear was always we'd split temporarily and she'd be off fucking another man. If it weren't for her dedication - she would be dating another one tonight. So terrible.

I don't know what to do. Let nature take its course for a little while and see where we end up? Act like we're together until we actually are? I don't know.

I told her I need some serious security if I do get back with her. I said I wanted her to actually get that tattoo with my name she was talking about, (since she blew it with the ring,) and I want mine - which she already bought. Apparently she spent $600 on that shit. God-damn.

And Until Next Time . . .
Wu-Tang Is So Beast

Current Mood: contemplative
Friday, January 11th, 2008
7:36 pm
Worst Day Of My Life

As I type this, my hands are literally numb and nerves are reacting slower then usual. Damn.

It all started with an argument today with Ashley. We had an afterschool activity with Debate where she was my partner, and had been conjuring up every excuse in the book over the last couple days to get out of it. It was a huge grade and her responsibility - I took it as an evalutation of how responsible she really was, she took it as whatever.

After a day of being ridiculous, she wound up staying, I wound up having an attitude. I refused her a ride home with my mom until the last second. She called her house, and since her mom couldn't take her, she asked the number of a family friend. Might I add he's a known rapist, thats tried to get with her with his little daughter in the backseat.

The pain of knowing your girlfriend is about to be raped is comparable knowing your little sibling is about to be kidnapped - I cried the whole way home, a 15 minute drive.

I implored she not go with him over the phone. She got rude with me, until I got my mom on the phone, who scared her out of it. She wound up getting a ride from one of the office secretaries. When I called to make sure she'd give her a ride, she talked to me like I was crazy when I said a rapist was on the way to pick her up. People are so fucking dense.

At the school she told me she hated me. At home - she attempted to kill herself. Admittedly bleeding, she called me and verbalized her will. That I shouldn't be afraid of moving on, and please tell her mom she's sorry for all she's done.

I cried like I've never cried in my life. My mom & I called 911, walked Jessica over to the neighbors house, and drove to Ashley's. That 10-minute drive was an emotional breakdown.

We got there, and she walked out the house - alive. She wouldn't let me see her wrists, but claimed she was fine. The cop had checked them and called her mother. Her brother & BJ were home, watching me from the doorway. BJ laughing with his unemployed/weed-infested self, her crack-dealing brother just gazing at me. In sweatpants, at 4:00 in the afternoon. She questioned why I was there, and twisted her ring. She'd tried giving it back to me once already - that time I asked for it. My mom was uneasy about the two men staring us down, so she called me back to the car, and Ashley went back inside. She wouldn't tell me the truth.

I came back, and she was on the phone. Still not opening up, saying she wished I was there. I told her - when I was, she made nothing of it. Her mother had left a voice-mail to my mom, saying to call her and tell her what happened.

She did, on speaker-phone. Her mom said, "Well, I don't think Ashley would actually do something like that, but I appreciate your effort. I think its just something with Jonothan and her." I snapped.

"FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING BITCH! SHE'S TRIED BEFORE! SHE'S FUCKING TRIED BEFORE, YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR OWN DAUGHTER YOU BLACK-ASS MOTHERFUCKER! I'VE TALKED TO HER OUT OF IT BEFORE YOU MOTHERFUCKER, FUCK YOU ALL!"

I saw my dad, held his shoulder with one arm, and punched his with the other.

"FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU FOR BRINGING ME, YOU FUCKING FAILURE!"

Crying, my mom said she told her mother that she'd tried before. I said I was leaving.

I was gone over an hour, walking. Pouring rain, muddy Earth floor, dodging roadkill and cars. I got to a train-track and decided it wasn't worth dying.

My dad picked me up in his car. Handed me the cell phone, and said Ashley wanted to talk to me. She  could barely breath from the pain of not being with me. I told her everything. I told her she was beautiful, she was sweet, nice, and had the potential to be a female Martin Luther King. I made her promise she'd never do drugs again, date another thug, hurt herself, kill herself, or do anything illegal/immoral for her money. Sincerely, she promised. She begged to be back with me, and said this would never happen again. I told her I loved her & she was a great person, but had heard that before. She told me I was free in this World now, and to know she'll always love me.

Now she's leaving Fredericksburg - going off to live with her crack-addicted, sex-offending father. I begged her not to go - she told me the only way that'd happen is if I got back with her. I couldn't.

She might be raped by her own father tonight, assuming the drugged driver doesn't crash on the 45 minute drive.

The school counselor will be told all this tomorrow. It pains me to no end to say this - but its no longer in my hands.

I'll be afraid to ever commit again.

Current Mood: depressed
Tuesday, January 1st, 2008
2:47 am
Shit's Like A Chapter Book

Chapter One: Things I've Said A Million Times, But Will Repeat Cause Its A New Day


This morning I woke up completely fed-up with all the events yesterday. Going through all that mental stress, for what was most likely nothing. The lies, even if they were semi-good-natured, (she thought it was positive but still lied by saying it really was,) all seemed like too much to handle.

I was fixed on breaking up with her, and we almost did seperate until we both came to our senses. Honestly, as said 10,000 and a half times - I've got no one else here. It's one thing to feel like that in a town where you know everybody, but another to know that in a town where you know nobody. Calling up some friends that treat me better to chill instead just isn't possible. And when she puts down her front, she's the sweetest girl in the World.



Chapter Two: Picking Her Up, And Thoughts On Virginia's White Population


My mom was supposed to pick her up at 1:30 - (Ashley basically never has a ride because her mom's more retarded then Special Ed) - but after shopping with my aunt for five years, they came back with around 4:30-5. We held each other, reconciled some of the more ridiculous issues, and made love. Ya diggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg?

6:00 we went to some gay-ass downtown event. Think Saybrook Stroll with five times the people, music, and events. But the people was basically just the crackity-cracker percentage of the town (there's a difference between us white people and crackity-crackers,) the music was crackity-cracker music, and the events were like...waiting an hour in line to ride a horse, or get your face painted. And it was COLD. We ate at Sammy T's though. Crab cake sandwiches are actually so deliscious.



Chapter Three: Almost Getting Caught...BALLINNNNNN

We came back for the last couple hours of 2007. Basically just the normal things, but I have to include this story - it was so memorably embarassing.

So things were good, I made sincere promises to chill my anger, she made some promises, things were nice, the mood was right, we start to get into a little somethin. I need say no more about that, but just as shit was bouncing and getting climatic - I feel her push me off like someones about to come in. Thank God we were wearing pajama bottoms - I bounce to the edge of the beat, pull them up at least over me, and sit at the edge of my bed, breathing heavy. My shirt/hoodie were still on, thankfully. It was my mom, with a burning sage plant, lol. Apparently it was some corny-ass New Years tradition a friend had turned her onto -but that was the scariest shit. If she'd pushed me off two seconds later...if the TV would have been two notches louder...my own mother would have witnessed something she should never see.



I feel a little embarassed at my own actions, but at the same time - she needs to grant a little more privacy. I'll admit we get a lot, but closing the door would make moments like that a lot easier. I understand I'm her son, but I'm also 10 months away from being 18 years old. A young man. The fuck can she do about time? Growing up. It was bound to come, and its actually amazing I waited this long.



She was cool about it though. Ashley said I made it obvious with the breathing, but no direct comments were made by her. I just pray nothing changes as far as us being allowed in my room. It's one of those things she can't stop, but can make a lot harder if she chooses. Please no.

Chapter Four: Counting Down Without Dick Clark

In less R-rated news, the actual countdown was beautiful. She asked me if I'd stay with her through 2008 - I said "yes", and we fell back into 'We Celebrate' by Ghostface - the perfect New Years song in my opinion. Shit was movie-esque.

Afterwards, she experienced some back pain, and passed out a couple times in my closet, trying to change her pants. I was in there with her to catch her, Thank God, but that was scary. With all these symptoms its still highly likely she's pregnant. We get the official news either Tuesday or Wednesday from the doctor's results. If she is, no way am I leaving this girl alone with my baby. If she's not, I still don't plan on leaving her, but a change must come.



Chapter Five: I'm Human (Unlike Oprah)

A change must come from me too, which I've got to accept. Yes she does a ton of shit, but replying to her lies by accusing her of acting like a bitch will never help. This new and out of impatience, but excuses are excuses. Hell, there's been some really bad days. I've screamed into the phone, I've cut myself, I threw my phone, I even had to send in for a new phone, because she drove me to cracking it in half when she was flirting with another guy online. She thought it was testing his intentions but - fuck men around here.



Chapter Six: Overly-Bitter Women Have A Point

I kind of understand the bitterness most women have, especially concerning sex & fear of trust. I heard the stories in Old Saybrook, but never saw it so lived out until I moved here. I personally could never base a relationship out of feeling physically intimate from time to time, but half these guys don't even want relationships. Just fucking and leaving. Who am I to point the finger at people like Ashley for succumbing to what they want a few times? They're animalistic, pressuring, and often turn to rapists if they're rejected enough. I'd be covering my area too, lol. Instead, I have to apologize for them and assure that I'm nothing like that. I feel the same way about being white, historically, aha.



Chapter Seven: I Write Too Much

Real talk aside,  everything's looking basically okay, and I look forward to doing some good things in '08. This test needs to come back ASAP so I can focus my mind on anything else though, and I need to re-adjust my sleep scheduale to waking up in the AM.



And Until Next Time . . .
Ya Diggggggggg?

Current Mood: tired
Wednesday, December 12th, 2007
8:41 pm
Re-Cap...Ya Diggggg?
Last Thursday

Woke up about 7, and by 9 we were off to Old Saybrook. Basically just spent the day in the car, highlighted by occasional calls to Ashley while my dad was in the car, getting my copies of American Gangster (Jay-Z) and Big Doe Rehab (Ghostface.)

Thursday night, Ashley's jealousy started up all over again, and I tried to tell her I can't take anymore. With legs bleeding, she said she can't live without me. We basically never split up.



Friday

Met up with Liv outside the school in the morning, and was immediatly found/hugged by Cynthia and a few other people once we got inside. Honestly it was the best day. Even in the classes that seemed to go on for a minute - I felt so welcomed by everybody. Like I was back home, and the past six months was just a detour.

Friday afternoon I went downtown with Liv, Whitney, and John Facey (who I've basically never talked to before then.) We just chilled, and I was reminded how unbelievably cold snow is. Ya digggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg?

At night I went to Cynthia's house, then we were going from there to the dance. Sarah Sweeney, Sofia, and other people I'm forgetting were also there getting ready, so it took about an hour for them to decide on dresses. The actual dance was pretty gangsta though. I did a song, and seeing everybody I didn't see earlier that day was nice.



Saturday

Woke up and called Ashley, soon after getting a text from Liv, saying go to Whitneys at 11:30. We watched hilarious blaxploitation/Dennis Rodman movies, realized Jack's mother is actually a white redneck woman, and then Kati picked me up.

Kati & I eventually picked up Jess, and it was back to the hilarious shit we used to always do when we hung out. I put on a three-foot-tall sumbraro, she gave me crutches to walk with, and we went to Cucko's Nest, lol. We picked up Kati's boyfriend/fiancee and went back to her house, watched Pocket Ninjas (or as much as a person can stand...about 10 minutes) and prank-called for about an hour. Went home and talked to Ashley.



Sunday

Woke up, talked to Ashley, and basically avoided helping my dad around the house. It was a combination of not wanting to get in the way, and just generally being lazy. I helped pack up the car though, we stopped at Cynthia's because she wanted to say goodbye, and we were out.

Got back around 10:30, tired and not liking where I was.

Monday

Basically a normal/boring day at Massaponax. Work at night, where we played Uno to kill the last hour.



Tuesday

A re-run...until I got this poem from Ashley. We'd talked about this before, and a letter accompanied it, but, oh lord. It took me by the happiest suprise I could possibly imagine . . .

I love you so much - you mean the World to me

If you don't believe me - one day you'll see

I never thought I'd love someone so much

I long, feel, and wait for your touch

Your my first, my present my future, not my past

And I'm damn sure I wanna make you my last

You're sweet, gentle, and very kind

That's why you always stay on my mind

And I swear to you I will keep my promises

I want you so much, you're all I need

And you're so much better than speed or weed

You're everything I want, I couldn't ask for more

Even on the special days you make me sore

You're amazing to me, you'll never get old

So what color ring do you want, silver or gold?

...We're engaged. Hold up on the "you're growing up too fast and have your whole life, this is a mistake" comments for a minute. I finished the day in possibly the greatest mood I've felt in 2007. She's getting an apartment in-town once she turns 18, and I can legally move in a month later, when I turn 18 in October. With work and dedication, shit could be so perfect.



Wednesday (Today)

The best, passionately fucking it up with the worst. I walked around basically smiling non-stop. We worked together in Science, and I showered her in compliments and 'I love you's. I was so happy. She was too. She takes this as an oppurtunity to ask about how I'll react when she wants to go to clubs or road trips with her 'girlfriends.'

I was absolutely shocked, and offended. How the fuck am I supposed to approve of an ex-cocaine addict with alcoholic family going to the clubs? Road trips? "Cabins for the weekend"? Somebody's been watching too many Hollywood drug movies. I lost it.

After class, I tried to kiss her by the stairs. She refrained, cause Jessie (the bitch that ate her pussy out freshman year,) was walking by. I got so offended - I nearly raced down the stairs, saying, "it's over, it's over, it's over, it's OVER." She ran up to me . . .

"Really?
"Yeah."
"Okay."

In complete pain, I got through history. I saw her in debate and couldn't help but ask how she wasn't hurt. We exchanged notes for a while...she wouldn't get back with me, and insulted me. I felt complete lonliness wash over me. The feeling of literally having no one on Earth that gives a shit whether or not oxygen is coming out your nose, and having just fucked up what I believe is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. I wanted to die. In detail, I told her I was going to kill myself afterschool. She begged to get back with me...I walked away holding in tears.

...Apparently those notes weren't thrown away properly. The teacher found them, gave them to the guidance counselor, who called my mom and read them. My mom left work early to make sure I wasn't dying, and my dad came in after. I told them it was not even like that, and its just something I wrote in the heat of anger two or three weeks ago. They bought it.

Ashley & I are back together and strong, but I've been basically unable to talk without crying since I got home. We exchanged some mean words when we first spoke...which scared the shit out of me. I'm petrified she'll leave me, or hang up the phone. She's petrified I'll leave her, and can't even eat. She called me from dinner to let me know that she loves me. The warm feeling that'd usually leave though is completely clouded with dispair, regret, feeling like the biggest fuck-up in the World. How was I about to ruin shit with the most prescious person I hold in my life? And dangle the past it hurt for her to tell me right over her head?



She felt she hurt me today, and "punished" herself by making 7 gashes down her leg. I feel so bad. She's getting psychiatric help and all...she suggests I do the same. I love her so much, and this probably sounds all crazy to basically anyone reading it.

God-damn it's been a long day. My mom needs to take two steps back, Ashley needs to hold me tight, and I need to stop writing before peoples friends pages are just a big page of this shit. Sorry.

And Until Next Time .  . .
The New Wu-Tang Album Bangs About As Hard As An Old, Decripit Buddhist Monk
Saturday, December 1st, 2007
7:23 pm
Wow
So Ashley actually managed to make it here...about an hour and a half after the planned time (6.) My parents were out for a little bit, but seem to trust us to amazingly good extents...and her mom has never come up to the door to make sure they were here before, so I didn't see the problem. It didn't seem she did either. But of course this time...her mom checks.



At first I told her to lie and say my parents just got back from the parade downtown, and my mom was in the shower. She does...and her mom decides she's gunna come up to the door and check. I knew this bitch was not going to leave until she saw somebody, so when she greeted me, I just admitted they were coming back from the parade. After scoping out my house, and she said "Well, I can't leave her here then. Call us if they get back soon."



This could just be one of those "remember that?" situations between Ashley and I like a year or couple months from now, but I've grown so pessimistic that I doubt we'll even be together that long. I feel an end coming on...whether it be for two minutes or life.

I've actually been asking myself lately if it'd even be possible to move on from this, if it did end. Sure there's a couple girls I consider cute from a far at school, but assuming they're even single (not likely) - am I really willing to go through all this again? Getting to know each other, the nerves behind asking out or being asked out, the initial feeling that you don't know the person all that well, the eventual opposite and then growing tired of bullshit, in whatever form it comes. Fuck it all.



Because of Ashley, I've almost completely given up on the idea the truly "perfect" girlfriend. That's not a diss to her or anyone else, but seriously. No one can seriously be attractive, intelligent, funny, sweet, caring, affectionate, and make generally good decisions all simueltaneously. Or at least not for more then a week. We're all human, and I never thought I was expecting the supernatural - but apparently that's what it is. We've all got our vices, serious fuck-ups, and emotional problems - some worse then others. Sometimes I think I'd actually be happier if I just was single until the day I died.



Relationships can be mentally liberating, but eventually shit simmers down from at least one party, and all that attachment and commitment you shared - be it through physical, emotional, or mental levels - is hurt. I can't fucking stand that, and what's even worse is the people that think life and relationships are parties you can toy with. That's why there's emo music and AIDs.



I'm rambling, but I'm seriously getting more & more jaded by this everyday. Last night I got pissed and was straight-up rude for about an hour or two on the phone, (time always runs quickly on that.) Hang-ups and scars later, we're brought into today.



Moving back to Old Saybrook (now that its somewhat offered to me) seriously sounds more and more appealing - even from earlier today, when I mentioned it. Nothings here for me. I'm not expecting a gift placed into my hands, but there's nothing to even go out and grab. All the venues are in ghetto areas at least an hour away, making friends has proven to be a painful hardship as opposed to fun oppurtunity, and I'm more & more detached from my family everyday. I don't need help, I just need to get the fuck out of here. It is Virginia after all. Unlike racial stereotypes, ones about states are pretty much true.

And Until Next Time . . .
God-Damn
Sunday, October 14th, 2007
1:43 am

So tonight was gangsta. I chilled with Ashley, (apparently they don't say "hang out" in Virginia,) which was actually fun/not remotely boring. Cops is a hilarious show. The medical channel is disgusting. Robin Williams is hairy.

Earlier today was whatever, including my mom deciding she wouldn't talk to me based on last night. Though she basically did anyway. My aunt (on my dads side) and uncle visited, which was nice though I don't exactly...relate to that side of the family.

Tomorrow I'll probably record. There's two artists that have asked me to be featured on one of their tracks lately, which I should probably view as a good sign. One is obnoxiously persistent, but persistance overcomes resistance. Aka laziness.

I was thinking today about my little freak-out last night about Fredericksburg. My dad had a point --- I basically hated Old Saybrook too. I'm 45 minutes away from two major cities and though I don't exactly have friends right now, (aside from Ashley and Connecticut people,) I also don't have any enemies. It could be worse. And its truly what I make it, at this point.

I over-heard my mom talking to my dad about how she wants to get me out of the high school I'm in now. He disagreed, and then I stepped down and said "That's not happening." So it won't. 

Her reasons though were she wanted to get me away from "that crowd." I assume she's just correlating my attitude about the move to the fact there's a lot of black people in my school, who my English teacher described as ignorant gnagstas on open house night. She is so stupid. And doesn't realize the other high schools around here are apparently more violent.

I complain a lot, but I'd probably be no happier in OS right now. All the time spent contemplating whatever ideas would be spent working at FYE with people I despise, and it'd be more of the same aquantinces followed by boring weekends. No thanks, Phillip.

Talib Kweli's album has really grown on me. Liquid Swords really has not. Ripping audio files from Youtube is great. Jk, if you're a cop.

And Until Next Time . . .



Current Mood: content
Thursday, September 27th, 2007
12:51 am
Fries With That?

 My 70 Confessions



1. The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
Jesus H Christ, my dermatologist, or  my Geico broker.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
Generally just push it towards the nearest French person.

3. If you had to kiss the last person you kissed, would you?
There's been a restraining order...

4. Do you take compliments well?
No, I just reply with "But I'm fatttttttt"

5. Do you play Sudoku?
9 times a day, in between my bikini waxes.

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
Depends. I was raised by racoons.

7. Do you like tongue rings?
Yes, I have four of them. Makes playing with my tongue more fun then ever.

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
Only ones with bonfires, and vats of Dippin Dots.

9. What is/was your first choice college?
Already graduated

10. What kind of lotion do you use?
AstroLube

11. What size is your bed?
Its a cot, at a nurses office

12.Could you ever date someone with different religious beliefs?
Yeah, long as their not Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist, or Muslim.

13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
I like to pursue transit workers.

14. Use three words to describe yourself at the moment.
Dead fucking sexy.

15. Do any songs make you cry?
Anything by Celine Dion.

16. Are you continuing your education?
Yes, via livejournal.com

17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
Only if its aimed at the Russian confederacy

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you'd grab?
Some apple pies, an  AC adapter, and last weeks homework assignment.

19. Who were the last 3 people you shared a bed with?
Michael Jackson, Michael Vick, and your mother.

21. Favorite children's movie?
I primarily just watch Sex Ed documentaries.

22. What color are your eyes?
Red.

23. How tall are you?
6'9

24. What color is your hair?
Blue

25. If you could do it over again, start from scratch, would you?
I like to scratch cat posts....

26. Any secret admirers?
Yes, her name is Leslie and she's only 49 years old. Too young.

27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
Just some nudes.

28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
I was banned. Offered some PCP to the hostess so the line would move faster.

29. Favorite ex?
Wesley Snipes Daughter

31. Do you like mayo?
No. Unless its raw, with a spoon. Mmm-mm-breakfast.

32.Do you like mustard?
I like your mom

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
I prefer to eat off the bellies of third-world citizens, while sleeping in the wilderness...

34. Do you look like your mom or dad?
Uncle BuckTooth

35. How long does it take you to shower?
Usually several days. I use 450 brands of shampoo, 23 bars of soap, and 95 moisturing lotions. Oh, and bubbles. Not the bath kind either. Its just entertaining.

36. Can you do the splits?
Yes. Feels good on the groin.

37. What movie do you want to see right now?
Star Whores 4

39. What did you do for New Years?
Clipped my nails for the first time

40. Do you think The Grudge was crappy?
No, I thought it was too religious though

42. Do you own a camera phone?
I own 75 camera phones.

44. Was your mom a cheerleader?
Yes - my mother was a cheerleader, my father was a cheerleader, my uncle Bucktooth was a cheerleader, and I'mmmmm a cheerleader.

45. What's the last letter of your middle name?
It's a number.

47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
Clearly not enough on school nights

48. Do you like care bears?
Not gangsta

49. What do you buy at the Movies?
Ticket...popcorn...whiskey

50. Do you know how to play poker?
Only if it involves gambling real estate.

51. Do you wear your seatbelt?
Only when driving in dangerous suburbs. I also carry a large paddle, in case I get into trouble.

52. What do you wear to sleep?
25 hos.

53. Anything big ever happen in your town?
Yeah - me moving here. I was greeted with several parades, escargo dinners, and complimentary hos.

54. You like your hair straight or curly?
Its nappy. I have corn rows.

55. Is your lip pierced?
Gauge 95, behbeh

56. Do you like Liver and onions?
That's racist.

57.Have you ever been in love?
Yes. It lasted exactly 25 minutes.

58. Do you like funny or serious people better?
Serious. Anyone up for some caviar?

59. Ever been to L.A.?
I live there.

60. Do you like the rain?
Just drinking it.

61. Ocean or pool?
Depends. If I'm in Harlem - def ocean.

62. What's your favorite drink?
Anything that comes from McDonalds

63. Do you hate chocolate?
No. I'm eating it right now.



64. Are you a gullible person?
Only if it involves chocolate.

66. Do you need a bf/gf to be happy?
Only when there's no hos

67. Do you have socks on right now?
Yes, they've been on for 4 weeks at this point

68. Are you easy to get along with?
Yes, I enjoy long walks on the beach and sock-shopping.

69. What is your favorite time of day?
3 AM.

70. Do you like PINK?
That's racist.



Current Mood: quixotic
Friday, September 21st, 2007
7:00 pm


 

Rewrite:

I want a girl: liquid talk, liquid walk, royal stance
Like if she were a track she'd spin the place into a trance
Want a girl: seeing her eyes is seeing reflection
Of beauty, royalness, cleanliness, no question
Wanna take her out, I wanna treat like her like gold
Like when I'm going out, I dun won the gold
I want longevity - from this day onto forever
Watching break-ups on TV, but for me? Nope, never



Want a girl whos interest stops and starts with me
Not obsessive, more progressive then New York City
I want a queen - fuck the mean, nevermind obscene
Want to hear her voice, feel like a FUfilled dream
A true woman - not a ho or a one-night stand-ed
Cool until the morning when you're stranded
(I) want the guns down, fists up, now lets climb
I got one, the other,  - some sayin "in time"


Having someone to rely on shouldn't be a far dream
But relationships flip quicker then they seem
One minute things is running on some organic steam
Next it falls apart like a rup-tured scheme
Getting bored, losing interest - a common excuse
In unity, I want to get beyond these views
In unity, I want to graph beyond these hues
You could be Queen Sheba, I could be King Zuess



The noose slipping as the divorce rate rockets
Some blame it on the West, some  on our pockets
The obsession with money leading to our decline
I dun flipped the rhyme, time to flip the times
Time to flip mentality so we could be together
When it sleets, when it shines, girl FUCKthe weather
(I want) perfection, fists up, now lets climb
I got one, the other,  - some sayin "in time"



And Until Next Time...
I'm Sicker Then Paris Hiltons Brain, Son

Sunday, April 15th, 2007
3:17 pm
Otherwise Irrelevant Update
So it turns out Mike's cause of death was suicide by alcohol overdose. I rarely ever cry, but his funeral definently had me going. Easily a thousand people there - mostly muscians - all with stories to share about him, and how they never saw him in any mood but ecstaticly happy. If anything, its just a reminder of how prescious life really is, for as much as retarded people, events, and tribulations might try to blind us from that.

On a lighter note, it's now vacation. No real plans yet, but the ability to sleep in and not deal with homework  are definently two things no one can complain about.

The progress with moving is still pending, also. My parents are going to visit Fredericksburg (Virginia) later this week to get a better idea of if this is happening or not. As long as there's no mass of rednecks, close-minded people, and I'm hours away from some of the more annoying teachers and people - I'll be all set. Though on the other hand, the whole thing will still suck, if it goes down.

Speaking of school though, thats one thing that has been especially sucking lately. Beyond my mediocre grades, which I can fix, Mr. Taylor's been going apeshit about the Bach Minuet's he's making us write, and how I don't have the "right attitude" when I approach it. Which basically just means I'm openly bored as could be with that project. Then, the rest of the year in Biology consists mostly of animal experimentation, so I'm doing alternative assignments, though knowing Gibson, that'll be like 50 essays and a packet. Or two. Or 8,000.

And finally - the promoter of the Glen Washington show is the man. It's a 21+ show with tickets exclusively available days before the show, but since I'm awesome and live 45 minutes away from Hartford - he's reserving tickets and letting me in as long as my parents sign a waver stating they are my parents, and I won't get crunk. I just hope it's an otherwise safe venue. It's not that far from the West Indian Social Club, which I've been warned against. Buttt it's main st. And Glen Washington still PWNs n00bs.

And until next time...
Iced tea is good

Current Mood: content
Thursday, March 22nd, 2007
11:31 pm
It's Offical
Dropping this Tuesday, March 27th...



Check Out Ancient Mind
Check Out Kana
Check Out The Label
Hear Four Of The Songs


Recorded in Old Saybrook, Ct and Dalton, Georgia...featuring collabs with England's own Judahs, Germany's own Shajena, and Jamaica's rising artist Mighty Lion...mixed & mastered in the Bay Area of California...printed in Oakland. I'll have copies available in school on Wednesday for just $5.

Bless
Saturday, March 17th, 2007
10:06 pm
For Real
"No one person can do anything, but everyone can do something"
Friday, March 16th, 2007
6:48 pm
So I've concluded snow days are the best thing that school has invented, lol

Nothing's particularly new though. Oceanstate (Reggae) Festival finally released their line-up. For that Saturday - Inner Visions, Pato Banton, and Eek-A-Mouse will be the highlights, with a couple nice local groups opening, and Yellowman unfortunatly still being in the entertainment bussiness. Sunday includes my 40-year-old amigo Don Minott, Sista Carol, (whom I almost booked that tour for,) and Mikey Dread. Sounds like that'll be one of my only concerts to attend, (aside from ones I play,) this Summer since Toad's Place has agreed to close for most of the Summer because of those underage drinkers with fake ID's from last year. Gay. As Gay Aiken. Zing!

Aww ye'ess.

And until next time...
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